Emotion

Like children everywhere, my wonder years consisted of good events, bad events, and many mediocre and neutral events.

Good times that made me feel good. Bad times that made me feel bad. And many events stirred little emotional reaction at all. However, my problem was that I discounted the good events, while elevating the bad ones.

I focused mostly on the bad events. They became like anchors - the pillars of the past. The defining moments of my life. Certain events would happen, and rather than simply feeling the pain and moving on, I would suppress and repress those painful emotions.

Paradoxically, while I denied the feelings, I elevated the events. I would take a painful situation and make it much worse than it really was. I Embellished My Past How do you embellish a painful past? Intentionally exaggerate its stature and importance. Like a play wright constructing a play, I would add drama for the effect it created. I would set the stage.

Get the lighting just right. Play suspenseful music in the background. Create a prologue -"The story you are about to see is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent..."Like one of those old Dragnet TV shows!I built it up any way I could. I made it sacred.And no matter what, I could *NOT* feel the feelings of those past events and let them go!

I needed those unresolved emotions to breathe life into an otherwise-dead past. I spent way too much of my time giving CPR to a corpse of the past. Ever given CPR? It'll really wear me out! It's hard to do it for very long; it's just too much work. But Imagine I have been doing it for decades.

I defined my life by those highly selective events of the past that were being kept alive ONLY by my emotional energy. I Was Giving My Power To The Past Thoughts and feelings are the very source of my power. My power - My ability and willingness to act - comes about because of the constant stream of my thoughts and feelings. Thoughts and feelings are constantly and consistently springing forth into my consciousness. A stream of thoughts. A stream of feelings.

Together they are the source of my power. I am using those thoughts and feelings to hold onto the past, And I have less power available to me now. Power that could be used to heal my motions instead becomes diverted into holding the past in place.

I Built My Past Into A Frankenstein's Monster Out of that handful of painful events I created a backbone. From the backbone I grew a skeleton.Surrounding the skeleton I grew muscles and skin and internal organs. I gave it a heart. I gave it a voice.All that growth required conscious effort on my part.I had to keep reminding myself of those painful events."I really was wronged.""I really was shamed.""I really was abused."Building them up and fleshing them out took a lot ofmy power.

But it was worth it. I got to feel like a victim. I got to hide in my self pity. I was entitled. Hey, I EARNED the right to engage in any errant behavior I chose.I earned the right to blame, to struggle, to manipulateand punish anybody I wanted. I earned my righteous arrogance because of my embellished pain of the past. I was powerless as a result, but that's okay.

I earned the right to be weak by all the effort I was expending to try to keep the past alive. I took the best of me and gave it to a past that didn't even exist.

I consciously choose to elevate certain (perhaps many) painful events of the past until they practically sit at The Right Hand Of God. I exaggerate their importance while at the same time I refuse to feel, express and release the emotional impact they created.I continue to hold the events in place now.It takes constant effort to keep the past alive.

I can't just set it and forget it - like a thermostat on the wall. I have to keep remembering it. I have to keep using today's power to reinforce the imprisonment of yesterday's power. I Invest In The Past The past is over, yet my power remains trapped in the emotional investment I've made in certain painful events of that dead past.

The past is over.As you read these words, most likely your parents are not standing there twisting your arms behind your back. Most likely, your ex is not beating you up between paragraphs.The past is over. But the very power I need to break free of those memories is instead being diverted into a much more sinister goal. I invest a lot of time and energy creating a Frankenstein's monster of the past, and it's become too big to handle. The power I need to heal the past is instead being used to try to keep it alive.

It's become a tangled mess. I guess I can't heal the past until I get more power. But I can't get more power until I heal the past. So what's the answer? I guess I will never know...